Birthday Madness
by crystalflames
Summary: Kinda a wierd fic I wrote on impulse. Weird plot, too long to list here (is this even a plot?), but you might find it funny. Forgive me, my first fic, so if it's stupid, no flames! R+R!
1. part 1

Disclaimer: Much as I wish I did, I don't own Gundam Wing, or any of the affiliated characters

Disclaimer: Much as I wish I did, I don't own Gundam Wing, or any of the affiliated characters. This fic is not meant as a claim to copyright, and was written without license or permission.I mean no disrespect whatsover to the creators of this awesome anime.

WARNING! This fic is a prime example of a no real plot fic, and I didn't even *pretend* to try to stay in character.If PWP or OOC bothers you, don't read this!

Part One:

It started out as another "normal" day for the five boys living in the small safehouse tucked away in the woods.As the blazing golden sun rose over the small cottage, birds chirped, and woodland creatures began to stir.The harmonious peace, however, was soon to be destroyed.

In the kitchen of the small house, a blue-eyed Japanese boy sat typing away at a battered laptop computer on the table in front of him.Next to him, a brown haired boy with one eye covered by a large bang (unibang) sat, reading a newspaper and sipping a mug of coffee.A blonde boy stood next to the stove, cooking something that might resemble eggs if you had a good imaginationRummaging through the refrigerator was a Chinese boy, dark hair pulled back in a ponytail.The feeling in the room was one of relaxed calmness.There was complete silence from the teenagers, save the one attempting to cook: "Trowa?" he asked.The question was directed at the pilot reading the newspaper."Do you want some eggs?They're a little burned, but they'll probably taste all right…" he trailed off, watching Trowa expectantly.

"Quatre, I dunno," Trowa replied carefully, not wanting to hurt his friend's feelings."Last time they were a little…um…-" Before Trowa could finish, he was interrupted by a loud blast of something vaguely discernable as music.A boy with long chestnut hair tied back in a braid entered the kitchen, radio on his shoulder.The radio was the source of the ear-splitting noise that sounded a lot like people screaming bloody murder as they banged their heads against the wall to a bleary tune.

"Duo, what *is* that?!" the Chinese pilot asked, loudly.

"It's MUSIC, Wufie!" Duo replied, grinning.

"DON'T CALL ME 'WUFIE'!" Wufei retorted."And that is *not* music, it's screaming!"

"Turn it *off*, Duo," the pilot at the laptop said, glaring."*Now*."

"What's that, Heero?" Duo asked, grin widening."Turn it *up*?If that's what you want…"Duo turned the stereo up to full volume.Heero intensified his glare, and got up.He walked over to Duo, and flicked the radio off.

"Hey," Duo objected."It's my b-day!I can play it as loud as I want!"

"Please don't, Duo," Quatre begged."I've got a headache…"

"Anyway," Trowa put in."It's not your birthday."

Duo's large grin was replaced by a look of shock."Not my b-day?Not my birthday?!Of course it's my birthday!Just ask the author!" Five heads turned expectantly upward.

**Yes, it's his birthday**

"How do we know you're the *real* author?" Wufei asked suspiciously.

**The REAL author?Ex-CUSE me?!I'll prove it!I'll…I'll…I'll turn you into a…a chicken!**

Suddenly, a cloud of purple smoke appeared.When it cleared, Duo, Heero, Quatre, and Trowa peered at Wufei.Indeed, he had been turned into a fat, white, chicken.

"This is unhonorable!" Wufei protested in a squeaky voice."Is this *my* voice?Kisama!"

**Convinced?**

Wufei muttered something rude in Chinese and glared as best he could with his beady little chicken eyes."Fine, you're the author."

**That's better.**

With a brilliant flash of light, Wufei was human again."Onna," he muttered under his breath.

**I didn't hear that.As I was saying, it's Duo's birthday, and you'd better not forget it!Or else…I'll turn you into…frogs!I'm off to my desk to plan how best to torture you…l mean to write the next chapter.Seeya!** -_-0

Suddenly, the room was filled with thick, black smoke.The smoke detector gave off a series of long shrill beeps."My gosh…my eggs!" Quatre moaned.He ran over to the stove and turned it off.He held up the pan, and began to scrape the rock hard coal black eggs out with a chisel.They landed with a clunk in a heap on the floor.Despite repeated attempts at poking it with a broom, the smoke detector failed to shut up.Finally, Heero gave up and chucked a piece ofegg-rock at it.It gave off one last shrill wail before shattering into a zillion pieces.Trowa had run to the windows and pried them open, in a vain attempt to air out the small room. "Heero," Duo said sadly."That was a perfectly good smoke alarm.You didn't have to *kill* it…it was only doing its job…"

"Hn," was Heero's only reply.The five set to work cleaning up the kitchen.

***Elsewhere in the universe***

"My time of revenge draws near," a shadowed figure growled.Phart, as he was called, had a plan.He, with the "help" of his dim-witted assistant Phat, would seek revenge on the colonies!He would make them pay for what they had done to him!The only problem was that he couldn't remember what that was."It'll come to me someday…" he said softly to himself.

"Sir…are you speaking to me?" a timid voice asked.

Phart sighed."No, I'm speaking to the wall," he said sarcastically."OF COURSE I'M SPEAKING TO YOU, YOU IDIOT!Who else would I be speaking to ?!"

"The wall?" Phat offered.

Phart clenched his teeth and made his hands into fists, barely resisting the urge to throw Phat out into the vast coldness of space.He needed Phat's help, at least for the moment."My time of revenge draws near," he repeated, through clenched teeth.

Phat just stood there."And…"

"AND NOTHING, YOU IMBECILE!YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH ME!" Phart screamed, at the end of his rope.

"Oh.Yes, your time of revenge draws near.Now what, boss?"

"Now, you laugh."

"Ha, hee, ho, ho, ho!" Phat chuckled.

"EVILLY, you dolt!"

"Oh.BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"No, MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Right.Got it.BWAHAHAHAHA!"

*sigh*

^-^ hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!Please review!I'll post more if anyone shows an interest.


	2. part 2

Disclaimer: I *still* don't own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters, all that blah

Disclaimer: I *still* don't own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters, all that blah.Furthermore, if I *did*, I'd probably be on my way from my oceanside mansion to an exclusive country club in my chauffeured limo right now, instead of posting this.*sigh*Hey, I can dream! ^-^

WARNING! This *still* is PWP, and it *still* is OOC.There is some Relena-bashing in this chapter.FANS OF THE DEMON, BEWARE!!!MWAHAHAHAHA!-_-0sorry 'bout that…Without further ado-chapter 2!(hey, that rhymes!) **Sorry to all those who think I'm insane right now.Read on!**

Part Two:

The solid wooden door of the small safehouse cracked open.A girl with long blondish hair poked her head in.Suddenly, from behind her, a BANG! came.When she turned around, the hood of her hot pink car was up in smoke.A nervous looking old guy was standing near it, wringing his hands."M-Miss Relena?"he asked, almost petrified."Er, um, the engine seems to have over heated during the long trip here, nothing I can't fix, but, um, it's sort of a problem…" He glanced at Relena, who was quiet, for once.Misinterpreting her silence, he launched into an amazingly detailed account of what had happened to her car. 

Relena sighed.Why did this have to happen to *her*?Why not Dorothy or someone?All she had been trying to do was track down Heero somewhere in these mountains.Was that so bad?"I don't *care*, all right?!" she yelled, irritated."Just *fix* it, NOW!"She stalked away, leaving an extremely startled chauffer to fix her half-dead car.

Relena again poked her head into the small building."Heero?" she called into the emptiness."*Heeroooo~?!Are you *there*?"When she still didn't get a reply, she shoved the door open and entered.

Once inside, the first thing she noticed was that Heero was not somewhere in the immediate vicinity rushing to greet her.The second thing she noticed was that the place smelled horrible.Eww… she thought, scrunching up her nose.This place smells like smoke!Wait a minute…SMOKE! HEERO'S BURNED UP!!!Relena gave out a strangled cry, sounding somewhat like a dying cow.

¯note from author: if, by some freaky coincidence, you attend TPMS, you will be able to personally relate this incident to the time I lost my voice in world studies.If you also happen to have read anything by the author "deathwing", you should know that she said it was *cute*.CUTE?!HAH!I SOUNDED LIKE SOMETHING CHOKING OUT ITS DYING WORDS!Humph.Anyway, just thought you might like to know…^-^¯

She ran through the house to the kitchen, crashing into Trowa as she did. 

"Where's Heero?!" she asked hurriedly.

"He's about two feet behind you," Trowa replied.Baka, he thought.Why can't she just leave us alone?

Relena turned."Heero!" she cried with relief."You're not burned up!"

"Why would I be?" Heero asked, with an expression on his face that could be interpreted as...well, I'll leave that up to you to decide.

Relena realized the stupidity of her assumption."Uh…no reason," she said, blushing. "Just wanted to make sure."

Duo came over."Hi, Relena, nice to see you," he said, unable to keep the sarcasm from his voice.

Relena glared at him."Humph."

"The least you could do is wish me a happy b-day," Duo suggested.

Relena muttered, "Yeah, right," under her breath, prompting glares from the other pilots.

Duo stuck his tongue out, and stalked off to the coat closet.Once inside, he turned his head to the ceiling and whispered, "Hey, author!"

**what?**

"If you can turn Wu-man into a chicken, you can turn *Relena* into something, right?"

**uh…I guess…**

A wide grin spread across Duo's face."Well, if you're looking for suggestions, I might have an idea or two…just in case you were interested…"

¯note from author: I will now cut back to the scene in the kitchen, so that the outcome of my conversation with Duo will not interfere with what my fourth-grade teacher always called "the element of surprise".Heh, heh, I'll keep you hanging for a bit!Ah, well, you'll find out soon enough…heh, heh, heh…¯

µsome random reader: ok, what was the point of that? Can we JUST GET BACK TO THE STORY HERE???µ

¯heh, heh, sorry about that, people.I'm a just a *little* hyper right now…¯

***Meanwhile, back in the kitchen***

"So, Heero, do you want to go to the theater with me tonight?" Relena asked in a sickeningly sweet voice."I *just* happen to have extra tickets…"Relena ignored the sounds of Wufei gagging in the background.

'Um..I've gotta work on Wing Zero tonight…it's broken down…"With one glance at Relena's fiery glare, Heero trailed off."Maybe…maybe next week?" he offered lamely.

Relena was at the verge of tears, when Duo burst back in, grinning from ear to ear."Where have you been?" Quatre asked, relief showing in his voice.

"Oh…just having a little chat with the author, you know, just like to see what's coming up next…can't hurt…she's really an interesting person you know…*AHEM, cough hack…*" Duo said vaguely.

"Uh HUH…" Relena said suspiciously, not buying it. 

"Well, Miss Peacecraft…or is it Darlian, you change it too much for me to remember…anyway, if you must know, I was planning a little surprise for you!"

"For me?A surprise?!Well, what is it?"

Duo coughed loudly again, and, when nothing happened, looked up at the ceiling furiously."HELLO?ANYONE *HOME* UP THERE?THAT WAS THE *SIGNAL*"

**wha…oops!This magazine, so interesting…anywho, Relena, sorry 'bout this, just gotta squash all those rumors at school that I look like you…not for long!**

"Huh?What's that supposed to…HEEROOOOO~!"For Relena had suddenly began a most *painful* transformation.

¯yet another infamous note from author: due to this thingy's PG rating, I will spare you the gory details of this.¯

µsome random reader: aww…*man*!µ

¯-_-0¯

When Relena had finished, the pilots stared expectantly at where Relena had once stood.In her place, there was…nothing.They looked down…and down…and down…until they saw a tiny hot pink ant on the floor.

"Hey!Heero?Can you hear me?HELP ME!!*BEEP* you, author!When I get out of this, I'll *BEEP* you 'til you *BEEP*!"

¯you know the drill: also due to this thingy's PG rating, I will spare you Relena's words and leave you to imagine for yourselves what she said.But I can assure you it was bad.¯

"HEY, AUTHOR!YOU TURNED HER INTO THE WRONG THING!" Duo yelled, outraged.You were supposed to turn her into a ***truck passes by, honking loudly***"

**oh, *yeah*!I remember now!**

With a flash of white light, there was no longer a pink ant.No, there was now something much worse.Relena had been turned into a giant pink blob! ***evil music plays***

¯dang it, I'm getting tired of typing…you surely know what this is by now:if you've seen the movie "the blob", it would help.Also, moo-chan wanted to let y'all know this was her idea.¯

µmoo-chan: *waves*µ

"Dang you all!" Relena screamed (with what mouth, I don't know), and turned and slimed out the door.

The pilots all turned to each other, stifling laughs."Ok, then," Trowa said."What, exactly was the point of that?"

**I dunno, but it was funny, wasn't it?Please?Comment here?!**

"Hey, Wu-man, better a chicken then a blob, huh?"this comment obviously came from Duo.

"Humph.Dishonorable just the same."Wufei turned toward the wall."On second thought, you have a point…"

***Meanwhile, elsewhere in the universe***

"PHAT, YOU MORONIC DOLT, DON'T YOU EVER GET ANYTHING RIGHT?!"Once again, we find Phart and Phat in the middle of chaos.

"Sorry, sir," Phat replied, wringing his hands.

"Sorry isn't good enough!How hard is it to combine two acids together without spilling them all over the floor?"

"What floor, sir?"Phat had managed to burn away half of Phart's priceless antique wooden floor (can floors be antique?).

"AARGH!!!I'm gonna go blow something up!"Phart left the room, smashing several expensive objects as he went. 

"Be careful, sir, you don't want to break anything!" Phat called after him.

After Phart left Phat to clean up what was left of the room, he decided to go for a long stroll in the garden.Perhaps it would clear his mind, give him some idea of how to take revenge on the colonies.

"Dang it, what the heck did they do?" Phart asked himself for the bazillionth time that morning.

**um, didn't some cashier on L2 forget to give you your penny's worth of change?**

"Yeah, that was it!" Phart said, his face lighting up with glee."A horrible crime.But what about the rest of them?"

**well, I think some jerk on L5 hit you with a bike or somehting, some bird on L1 pooped on you, a traveling mosquito bit you on L3, and…uh…didn't you get smacked with a baseball or something on L4?**

"Yes, yes, I remember now!!!Now that I know, revenge will be mine!MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Not if I can help it," a shrill voice cried.

"What the…who's there?!" Phart yelled.

^-^ heh, heh, sorry to leave off there, but I gotta go finish my world studies hw.Please R+R!In the next chapter, to be posted soon, look for *dramatic pause*SUPER LIBRARIAN!-_-0.ok then, hope to see you on the review board!


End file.
